Instead, get curious about where they are at, and try to set up a situation where they are asking you about your views out of genuine curiosity and openness. It’s a much gentler approach that tries to understand where the other person is coming from and then invites them to consider a slightly different way of seeing things. A pull conversation, in contrast, is one where you try to “pull” the other person closer to you. It invites defensiveness and pushback, and generally leads to poor outcomes. A push conversation is one where you are pushing your ideas onto other people. One helpful paradigm is the distinction between “push conversations” and “pull conversations” that Brady Wilson talks about in his book Juice: The Power of Conversation. There’s a few different ways to think about this rule. The same is true in the intellectual battlefield. Initiating a fight is often just asking for trouble. This is one of the most basic Rules of Engagement in the military, and for good reason. So here are five Intellectual Rules of Engagement to keep in mind out on the battlefield. I think Rules of Engagement can do the same in the battle of ideas. They help us avoid chaotic and harmful situations, and they also create a strategy for success. The military has Rules of Engagement for a reason. Instead of firing off opinions whenever I could, I wanted to be more judicious about when and how I engaged in intellectual combat. They’re more like guidelines, things to think about before engaging with someone on the intellectual battlefield. These aren’t hard-and-fast rules, of course. In short, by thinking through the Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How of the discussion, you can often tell in advance which conversations will be fruitful and which will be a waste of time.Īfter a recent series of frustrating conversations, I realized it would be helpful if I synthesized these insights into some basic Rules of Engagement for intellectual discussions.
Likewise, the motivation of the participants and their approach can also be red flags. Sometimes the topic just doesn’t lend itself well to debates, or it’s not the right place or time. Sometimes it’s because the person you are talking to just isn’t the right person to have this conversation with.
I realized recently that there tend to be certain contexts where debates will predictably end in frustration. The good news is, there are things we can do to avoid this problem.
Have you ever had a debate with someone that felt like it went absolutely nowhere? It’s a common problem, especially for those of us who tend to be more opinionated.
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